


please, just let me hold your hand

by fuckyestaehyung



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mentioned Drunk Driving, depictions of an unspecified mental illness, mention of trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-01-30 06:59:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12648501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckyestaehyung/pseuds/fuckyestaehyung
Summary: Sometimes the worst things happened to the best people. That was just how life worked.But that didn't stop Baekhyun from constantly asking himselfWhy? Why did it have to be Yixing?





	please, just let me hold your hand

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone involved with this fest for ensuring I had a great time writing this. 
> 
> Thanks to T for being there and holding my hand through this and for reassuring me that _"No, Yixing won't hate you for this"_ , I don't think I could've done it without you.
> 
> This is un-beta'd so any mistakes are mine. I will try and go through and fix any that I might've missed as soon as I have time. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it ^^

He tries to drown it out, but sometimes, sometimes he just can’t.

 

No matter how hard he tries to change it, the world will never be silent. Baekhyun knows this. He knows that his heart will beat continuously, omitting a quiet thumping sound from under his skin. He knows that he can’t escape the rushing sound of the air being expelled from his lungs as he takes a breath. He knows he will never be able to escape the sound of gossiping strangers around him. 

 

He also knows it wasn’t his fault. Not really.

 

The other driver had been drunk and reckless. Deciding to speed up at the red light instead of stopping like he was supposed to do.

 

The doctors and police officers all that said Baekhyun had panicked and miscalculated, pressing down on the accelerator rather than the brake. They said it was an accident. That he had to move on. They said that everything was going to be okay.

 

They lied.

  
  
  
  
  


Baekhyun and Yixing first met during their freshman year of University. Neither of them knew their way around the dorms or had anyone else to help them - Yixing having just moved from China, and Baekhyun leaving his hometown of Bucheon for the first time.

 

Baekhyun had been hopelessly lost trying to make his way back to his own dorm when he decided that he had no other choice but to knock on someone else's door and ask for directions. That wouldn’t have been such a bad idea if he had knocked on the door of someone who knew slightly more about the dorms than himself and how they worked, but instead, he found himself face to face with an even more confused Chinese man by the name of Zhang Yixing.

 

It took them 30 minutes of walking around together cluelessly trying to find Baekhyun's mysterious dorm before they had any success. Baekhyun had tried to explain to the other man that he didn’t need to help him find the room if he didn’t know the way either, but Yixing had insisted in slightly broken Korean that he wanted to make sure that Baekhyun found his room before it got dark (He also might've wanted to look at the way Baekhyun's eyes transformed into half moons when he smiled, but Baekhyun didn’t need to know that.)

 

When Yixing beamed and turned to make his way back to his own dorm for the night, Baekhyun couldn’t hide the smile that had made its way onto his face. He also didn’t miss the overwhelming joy his new roommate Chanyeol was radiating from his body as he introduced himself.

 

That night, Baekhyun fell asleep to the hope that maybe there was a chance that this year wouldn't be so bad at all.

  
  
  
  


They crossed paths again two weeks later after everything has been unpacked in their dorms and they had completed moving in. It had been the first day of classes and Baekhyun was desperately searching for the Lecture Room he was in for anyone that he recognized, only to be met with absolutely no one every time he looked around to check. He’d given up hope once the lecture started only to be surprised when a nervous Yixing rushed into the room apologizing profusely for being late and making his way towards one of the only empty seats left in the room - the seat next to Baekhyun.

 

Baekhyun had been honestly astonished to see him there. It was an Accounting course that was compulsory for all students doing a commerce degree - all students including Baekhyun. He'd been sure he remembered Yixing mention something about doing a music major the other day when Baekhyun had been lost, so Baekhyun guessed that the only reason for Yixing to be there was that he was doing commerce as his minor, which also meant they would probably be seeing each other quite often over the next year.

 

(With time it was proven that Baekhyun had been correct.)

  
  
  
  
  


He doesn’t know how long it takes for him to regain consciousness, for a while he doesn’t even know where he is. 

 

The world around him is silent, save for the insistent ringing in his ears. Baekhyun strains his hearing in a desperate attempt to hear anything other than his own ragged breathing, and after what seems like an eternity he hears what thinks is a pained moan. Baekhyun freezes, he can’t seem to open his eyes and still doesn’t remember where he is but he would recognise that voice anywhere. 

 

_ Yixing. _

 

Yixing is somewhere near Baekhyun,  _ in pain,  _ and Baekhyun can’t even open his eyes - let alone move towards him to help. 

 

And then it hits him. The party. The car. The headlights speeding towards them. 

 

The crash.

 

Baekhyun panics. He puts all his remaining strength into trying to open his eyes. He’s desperate at this point and has never tried so hard for anything in his life. Maybe someone had been looking over him from above, because against all logical reason - it works.

 

He almost wishes it didn’t.

 

It’s then that he finally understands why his head feels so heavy now and there is a growing pounding in his ears - he’s upside down and still strapped into the driver's seat of the now destroyed car. Directly in front of him is a horrifying mix of smashed glass and small blood splatters spread across the road. But what finally causes Baekhyun to feel the tears welling up in his eyes isn’t the pain he feels spreading all throughout his body, but the sight of Yixing next to him.

 

He’s still strapped into the passenger side of the car- what’s left of it anyway. The whole side of the car had been ripped open when the other driver had plowed into the passenger door of the car at full speed. The groan Baekhyun heard earlier signified that Yixing was still alive, but from what Baekhyun can see from his position he doesn’t know how. 

 

The last thing Baekhyun sees before he loses consciousness again is the heavy stream of blood continuously dripping from Yixing’s body.

  
  
  
  
  


University sees them growing closer and closer as time passes. Baekhyun finds himself seeking comfort in Yixing when things are not going as well as he had wished they would, as well as celebrating with Yixing when they do. They both had other friends too, but it wasn't long before everyone knew them as Yixing  _ and _ Baekhyun. They were one person split into two bodies - wherever one was, the other wasn't far behind.

 

Their first kiss happens almost 6 months before they even start officially dating. Baekhyun is still trying to figure himself out, still deciding where the lines of his sexuality lie. He had dated girls in the past, and although he'd had crushes on other guys before, it had never been something he had seriously considered - nothing he had allowed himself to consider until Yixing came along. It wasn't anything that had bothered him when it came to other people, but when it came to seeing himself as anything other than straight Baekhyun had slightly more of a struggle. He always thought to himself that maybe it will happen. Maybe it won’t. He didn't need to think about it until the right person came around.

 

In Baekhyun's case, the right person was Yixing.

 

He doesn't know exactly what pushes him to kiss Yixing at that specific point in time. They had just been close friends - nothing more, and kissing Yixing probably wasn’t supposed to happen. Not then. Yixing was too kind for his own good and wouldn’t mind when Baekhyun showed up at his apartment after class and took up half the space in his small dorm. They never talked about anything serious, sometimes they didn't talk at all. To them, knowing they were close to each other was enough.

 

Maybe Baekhyun got too comfortable with their arrangement one day. Physically, nothing was different, they were both lying together on Yixing's bed, watching a drama on the small television on the other side of the dorm. Baekhyun was curled up slightly to Yixing's side for the extra warmth he omitted, dangerously close to falling asleep at any moment.

 

Yixing had mentioned something about getting up to grab a blanket for the two of them before moving to push himself off the bed when Baekhyun had grabbed his hand to stop his from leaving, pulling him back down onto the bed. Yixing let out a shocked laugh when he ended up falling on top of Baekhyun rather than the empty bed beside, him but didn't make any effort to move off of Baekhyun.

 

It had been Baekhyun who had leaned up a little and kissed Yixing right there, on the cheek, over his dimple. Maybe he’d been tired, maybe he’d been delirious. Maybe he’d already been in love, then, and just hadn’t realised it.

 

It had been brief, only a soft peck, but they both froze for a second before turning back to watch the show still playing in the background.

 

They never once spoke about it after that. Neither of them mentioning the moment of extra intimacy as time went on, neither of them regretting it either though.

  
  
  
  
  


There is water dripping onto Baekhyun's face the next time he wakes up.

 

Baekhyun figures that at least an hour must’ve passed since he was last conscious and they were still trapped in a car somewhere on the side of the road - freezing and severely injured.

 

Baekhyun dares to look beside him once again and almost passes out at the sight. Yixing is not only still unconscious but is also extremely pale now. Baekhyun knows that neither of them have much time left, but he’s stuck, and the blood leaving him is making him feel weak. He doesn’t know what to do. It's extremely obvious to him that Yixing is in such a critical condition at this point, but he couldn't do a fucking thing to help.

 

Seeing all the blood leaving Yixing's body was one thing, but to Baekhyun the worst part of the whole situation was hearing the pained groans Yixing let out without warning every few minutes. Knowing the that the person he cared for most in the world was just a meter or two away from him, and in excruciating pain, but not having any means to help them. For Baekhyun, this was his worst nightmare playing out right in front of his eyes.

 

"I'm so sorry Yixing," he doesn't know if he's more shocked at how croaky his voice is, or that he even  _ has _ a voice at all at this point. 

 

"I really don't know if you can hear me right now, but I remember someone saying something about always talking to people who are in comas to help them wake up, I think I learnt that from one of all those hospital and cop shows that you use to watch. I guess they were useful after all. I don’t even know if you’re in a coma though. I’m not a doctor. You were always the one that was so fascinated in medicine and healing people. I should’ve listened more. I’m so sorry ‘Xing.”

 

His voice is a sick mix between a sob and a laugh as he finishes his sentence. He knows he must look pathetic like this, but there was no one but him and Yixing around to witness it. There was  _ no fucking one  _ around to witness his breakdown. No one there to fucking help Yixing. 

 

He couldn’t let himself lose hope yet, there had to be someone driving past them sooner or later. There  _ had  _ to be.

 

“Someone is going to come soon and help us okay? Can you just hold on for a little bit longer for me? Pretend it’s like one of your performances, I always remember you complaining about how hard it was to keep dancing once you started cramping up and losing your breath, but I also remember that you never let it show and always kept going. Just do that now okay? I know it hurts but keep fighting through for me okay Yixing? It’s not time for your performance to end yet."

  
  
  
  
  


It took another three months for them to kiss a second time.

 

This time it had taken place out in the hallway outside Baekhyun's dorm. They had been out earlier to a party one of their friends Minseok had been hosting, but neither of them had had  _ too _ much to drink before deciding to leave and make their way back to their own dorm rooms for the night, although Baekhyun  _ had _ drank slightly more than Yixing, and Yixing had made it his responsibility to make sure that Baekhyun got back to his room safely. 

 

It wasn’t a surprise, really, when Baekhyun found himself pressed up against a wall with Yixing’s body against his. Baekhyun could blame the small amount of alcohol earlier for pressing closer to Yixing rather than moving away like he knew he should have, but he had been wanting this ever since their first kiss, and in his slightly drunken state, he didn’t see a problem with what he was doing. At least this way he had an excuse if he needed one in the morning.

 

His body soon became needy, wanting more and more from the man in front of it. He couldn’t stop the way his hands grabbed Yixing’s waist and pulled his body even closer to his own, desperately trying to find the friction and added pleasure that he needed with his heightened state of liquid confidence. 

 

Yixing, on the other hand was slightly more sober and tried his hardest to keep the situation from progressing too far. When Yixing had gently sucked Baekhyun’s bottom lip between his before pulling away completely, Baekhyun couldn’t help but release the gentle groan that fell from his mouth at the loss of feeling. 

 

Yixing had just laughed and looked down at him with a soft smile before grabbing his hand and pulling Baekhyun in his dazed state towards his own apartment. 

 

“I think it’s time we get you to bed. You can stay in my bed since my dorm is closer. You better not try anything before we talk about this, otherwise you’re on the couch, okay?” 

 

Even in his intoxicated state, Baekhyun knew how lucky he was to have someone like Yixing in his life. He made it his mission then and there to make sure that he never let Yixing go, no matter how hard it was.

 

Their friends had always teased them about it, about how close they were, that it was  _ “almost like you’re already dating, just make out or something already, for fucks sake” _ . Baekhyun knew that it was never in a harmful way, it was more just their way of showing that they cared, and neither Yixing nor Baekhyun ever seemed to mind. They would up play their affection to each other when they were together at first, always holding hands or sitting in each others laps while hanging out with the others. It seemed that over time they had just gotten used to this, it started to feel natural.

 

That could be why they never stopped.

  
  
  
  
  


The next time he opens his eyes he is met with a bittersweet scenario. He hears loud voices coming from what must be just outside the car, but at the same time they all seem so far away, as if they are yelling at him from underwater. He tries to convince his mind to slow down so he can try and focus on the sounds they are making. He needs to be able to understand them so that they can help him, so that they can help Yixing. He puts all his effort into distinguishing the different syllables and is relieved when they start to make sense to him and he can understand what they are saying.

 

“ -ou hear me? Someone fucking call the ambulance. Oh my god there’s so much blood. Hello, sir can you hear me? Please say something,  _ anything _ , please,” Why are they panicking? He was the one who was allowed to panic, not them. They needed to help Yixing and  _ oh god  _ why wasn’t anyone helping Yixing? 

 

“Help… Yixing, p-please. I am okay. Yixing has a blood disease, pleas-,”

 

“Sir what was that? Can you please repeat that? I couldn’t understand,”

 

If he’d had any energy left he would’ve started crying at this point, both out of sadness and frustration with the situation. “Yixing, please, he has a blood condition, I think it’s called Hemophilia? P-please. He needs to get to the hospital.”

 

“An ambulance is coming now okay? Just hold on please. There is someone coming to look after Yeshing too. Just a few more minutes, please, just hold on.” 

 

He wanted to scream,  _ it’s Yixing not Yeshing. Please! Hurry up, we don’t have much time _ , but when he opened his mouth to answer no sound came out. 

 

He was just so tired. So, so tired. 

 

He can see lights coming towards them before everything went black once again.

  
  
  
  
  


Their first date had been at a local noraebang. The term _ first _ was used pretty lightly considering the fact that many people had already thought of them as a couple for months by that point.

 

It had started off pretty innocently. Yixing had just been complaining to Baekhyun about how he’d never been to a noraebang before and for some reason he had worked himself up into a fit because  _ all people who live in Korea go to noraebang _ (no matter how many times Baekhyun tried to inform Yixing that this was in fact, wrong, Yixing wouldn’t give up). It took a total of 10 minutes of a very pouty Yixing for Baekhyun to cave and agree to take him.

 

“Fine,  _ fine _ ,” Baekhyun tries to disguise his smile with an exasperated sigh “I’ll take you to a noraebang but you have to sing for me okay? Otherwise, there is no point in going if I’m going to be the only one singing.”

 

“Okay, sure, deal.  _ It’s a date _ . When do you want to go? Do you know where there is a place we could go? When was the last time yo-” Baekhyun cuts of Yixing's excited rambling by covering his mouth with his hand. He’d been frozen slightly when he’d heard Yixing say date, but it didn’t take long for his mind to reboot again and for the butterflies to fill his stomach.

 

“Yeah sure, it’s a date. Meet me at my dorm tomorrow at 6pm and we can go out and get food beforehand.” He was certain by this point that the heat creeping up his neck had reached his cheeks. Baekhyun didn’t exactly know why he was suddenly so giddy around Yixing of all people, but he would be lying if he didn’t admit that the idea of a date with Yixing was exciting to him.

 

It shouldn’t have been such a big thing for Baekhyun. Sure, first dates were always slightly scary, but Baekhyun trusted Yixing in every way possible and they had always had fun together as friends. He knew it being a ‘date’ shouldn’t make that much of a difference, but  _ boy oh boy  _ it did.

 

Baekhyun ends up taking them to a noraebang that his friend Jongdae had recommended to him because apparently, it would help Baekhyun  _ win over the love of his life, or at least get Yixing in bed with him  _ (Baekhyun had walked off after that last comment, but took the advice anyway).

 

It was slightly more expensive than the one that Baekhyun was used to, but he decided that it indeed worth it and that Yixing deserved only the best (especially since it was his first time).

 

Baekhyun had been slightly doubtful about the ‘date’. They hung out daily and he couldn't imagine that this would be that different to those other times. 

 

He was wrong.

 

As they walked down the corridor towards the room that Baekhyun had booked, he couldn't help but laugh at just how amazed Yixing seemed to be. The blank walls were only broken up by the occasional numbered door leading into the actual noraebang rooms and the lightning was minimal to say the least, yet Yixing seemed absolutely  _ fascinated _ by his surroundings. Looking around at everything as if trying to memorise every little detail he could find (granted there wasn’t many for him to actually memorise in the first place). If he was being honest, Baekhyun found it cute, taking pleasure in the way that Yixing seemed to get so exciting over what other people would see as mundane things.

 

The slight squeal of joy that Yixing had let out as they entered the room also didn't go unnoticed by the very amused Baekhyun as he went to set up the screen. The two of them decided that Baekhyun should go first (more like Yixing had decided for the two of them and Baekhyun had been forced to agree) and as Baekhyun skimmed through the songs looking for something he was comfortable enough to sing he noticed the way that Yixing reacted to the song titles flying across the screen. Baekhyun went for a slower song to warm up. It was one he knew well enough that he’d feel comfortable with and as the opening notes of  _ If You _ started playing he felt his body relax. 

 

Yixing played along with his dramatic reenactment of the emotional song, he made it hard for Baekhyun to go along with the facade of a heartbroken man when he looked so excited to be there though.

 

Then it was Yixing’s turn to pick a song for himself to sing. 

 

Sure, Baekhyun had heard the rumors about Yixing's voice before and it would be a lie to say that he hadn't believed them, but that still didn't prepare him for the way that Yixing's voice took complete control over Baekhyun's body. 

 

Yixing had talent. That much was obvious immediately. 

 

Baekhyun could tell that Yixing had been nervous at first, he even avoided eye contact for the first half of the song. But as the song progressed Yixing’s voice seemed to grow lighter, as if the tension in his body was slowly fading away. It was a song that Baekhyun hadn't known at the time, a slow ballad, but it was obvious it meant a lot to Yixing. He made a mental note to find the song and learn every word of it.

 

Baekhyun continued to watch in stunned silence as Yixing slowly opened up and became more confident as the song progressed. All the doubts and uneaseiness he’d felt about his feelings for Yixing were slipping away. 

 

His walls were crumbling down, leaving his heart exposed for Yixing to take.

 

_ 약속할게 네가 실망 안 하게. 약속해줘 그냥 지금처럼만. _

_ (I’ll promise you, I won’t disappoint you. Promise me, just stay like you are right now) _

Looking back, Baekhyun thinks that was the day that he fell in love with Zhang Yixing. That was the day that Baekhyun gave his heart over to the other man. He’d never regretted it.

  
  


He’s jolted back to consciousness when he feels his body suddenly drop. It takes him a few seconds in his groggy state to figure out that he is being lifted out of the back of an ambulance onto a hospital bed, or what he assumes is an ambulance considering the medics surrounding him. Most people would calm down slightly knowing they were being looked after by trained personnel and capable hands but all Baekhyun could focus on was Yixing. If Baekhyun was at the hospital that meant that Yixing must be nearby.

 

_ Right? _

 

“Whe-where is Yixing? I need Yi-Yixing. Plea-”

 

“Sir please calm down. Just stay with us a little longer okay? You’ll be okay.”

 

“I don’t care I-if i’m okay. I just need to see Yixing. Please. This is all my fault,  _ please. _ ” 

 

No one is listening to him anymore. He didn’t think it was even possible at this point, but another tear escapes his eye, one last lone tear. 

 

Deep down he knows that the chances of him ever seeing Yixing alive again are slim, he’d seen how much blood his best friend had lost, how little he moved and how weak his breathing had been, but Baekhyun refuses to even think about the possibility of this becoming his reality.

 

He refuses to let himself believe in the possibility that the man he’d made so many memories with over the last couple of  years could leave him. The man he’d spent countless hours with, talking, playing around, sleeping. He gave himself to Yixing, heart included, with the hope that he would get Yixing’s in return. 

 

Falling in love with Yixing had been one of the scariest but most natural things to happen to Baekhyun in his life. They were two halves of a whole. 

 

He needed Yixing.

 

His mind was in a constant loop of praying for Yixing’s health and the lyrics to Yixing’s favourite song. The song that he had sung that night at the noraebang. The song that suddenly seemed so upsetting and had a deeper meaning now, one that Baekhyun had originally missed. 

 

The song that had made Baekhyun release the depth of his feelings for Yixing suddenly seemed ironically upsetting. The lyrics suiting the situation in a way that he wished was never possible.

 

_ 많이도 아파했을 너의 맘을, 내가 꼭 안아줄 거야.  _

_ I promise you. _

  
  
  
  


_ (Your heart that must have been in such pain, I will hold it tight. ) _

  
  
  
  
  
  


It all seemed wrong to Baekhyun, he should never have been in this position in the first place. Everything was just so, _so_ _wrong._

 

Across the room from him was a picture with two thin ribbons stretching from the top of the frame to the sides. He had chosen the picture himself. Instead of going for one of the more formal photos of Yixing he had been able to find, he had decided on one from the first week of University classes, he felt it represented Yixing more than any ID or school photo ever could. Yixing’s face had been scrunched up as he laughed at a fallen Chanyeol out of frame - his dimples on full show and his eyes shining. The joy on his face at that moment was exactly what Baekhyun wanted everyone to remember Yixing by.

 

Because that was all Yixing was now - a collection of memories held close by the people who had surrounded him. 

 

Yixing, the person who had never been anything less than reliable and honest his whole life, would now only live on in people's memories and stories. His name passed on through the mouths of the people who had been lucky enough to get to know him. 

 

Baekhyun hadn't been able to keep his promise to Yixing; he hadn't been able to save Yixing that night in the car, but there was one last thing he knew he could do for Yixing, and he sure as hell was going to make sure he did it properly. 

 

There was quote that Yixing had always lived by. Something that Baekhyun had never understood until the moment when it was suddenly all to real. 

 

"They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time."

 

Baekhyun wasn't going to break his promise a second time.

 

Baekhyun was going to do absolutely everything he could to make sure that Yixing’s name never died.

 

It still hurt though, to see how little people made it to the funeral. As much of a treasure Yixing had been, he’d always had a small collection of friends that he kept close rather than a large group. He’d prefered it that way.

 

Baekhyun just hoped they all knew how much Yixing loved them as much as he hoped that Yixing knew they all loved him. 

  
  
  
  
  


It didn’t all hit him at once, rather it slowly shifted from the soft and essentially normal sounds and actions, to what he was faced with now. He had ended up locked in the prison that was his mind, the crime he was charged with - an accident everyone knew he did not cause, sentenced to a lifetime of guilt and slowly wasting away.

 

For Baekhyun, the sounds of his heart were no longer a quiet thumping but rather a pounding drum trying to rip his skull apart - never quite fixing itself either. His breathing was a harsh hissing now replacing the soft rush it used to be. Baekhyun didn’t know what he was supposed to do in a situation like this, but then, does anyone know what they are supposed to do when the voices of the people around you are suddenly drowned out by the screaming voices in your head? 

 

They said it was trauma, something left as an aftermath of the crash and that he would slowly grow out of it. Everyone told him it was something he could move on from. 

 

Baekhyun knows it’s a broken heart. 

 

Broken hearts never heal.

 

He knows that no matter how hard he tries (and  _ oh, how he tries _ ) there will always be a sound to be heard coming from somewhere, a simple sound reminding him that he is alive.

 

Reminding him that Yixing wasn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading ^^
> 
> any comments are really appreciated~
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/braceskibum) if you want (come talk to me about stuff)


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